This is Just an Appetizer

I know, I know. I've been totally MIA. But it's actually been on purpose. I'm truly about to explode from all the little random things I want to publish on this blog...think Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls...hair so big because it's full of secrets. I don't think it's safe to write about them all until after I leave this contract gig, but I will give you a taste of the stories to come:

It's 6:55am on Good Friday, I'm the only one at work yet from my department, and things are super quiet. I see a man from another department walk past my office and think nothing of it. Until he back tracks and walks into my office. (Back story: this guy is much older, really shy, and keeps to himself. He's just a guy I pass in the hallways and say hi to - as any polite southerner would do).

I say hi and he immediately hands over something and says "this is just an appetizer". My brain screams "say WHAT? what? what does that mean?". My eyes look down and see two pieces of individually wrapped chocolate in a zip lock bag laying in my palm. Ok, this is weird. Not that I have a totally dirty mind or anything, but seriously, doesn't that sound SO sexual? Hours later I will obsess over this phrase "this is just an appetizer" and try to convince myself he only means it's an appetizer for all the chocolate Easter candy I'm about to get. And really, wrapped chocolate in a zip lock bag? What's up with that? I'm so shocked at this point I don't know what to do - I am definitely a deer caught in headlights.

Then here comes the best example of why I'm the biggest dumb ass in the world. He follows up that one liner with, "I'm not very good at this, but would you like to have lunch with me this week?". Now, I know what a normal married person would say - Hells No. But I immediately recall a time when a girlfriend of mine told me that not all guys are interested in me and that I shouldn't be so full of myself. Thanks friend. Because my reaction was "Suuuure???". I mean come on, this guy is shy and totally not social, and I felt like he was asking because he was trying to make a friend. I was trying to not be full of myself and consider this a lunch date. And to my own defense, I practically shoved my wedding ring in this guy's face to make it clear I was married. And of course, as soon as the "Suuure?" response vomits out of my mouth, I immediately follow up with the excuse that I'm really busy at work right now and I don't know if I'll be able to get away for lunch, etc. He offers up another great one liner: "Well, you know where I am". Um, yeah, I do, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay as far away from that office as I can.

As soon as that's all over I call my husband and he agrees that we should give the guy the benefit of the doubt because he's probably just trying to make a friend (I know, how retarded ARE we!?!). I tell one of my coworkers because now I'm scared this guy is a crazy serial killer and he's going to hack me up in little pieces and make me eat my own fingernails or something. She totally thinks it's a date invitation. I literally hide from this guy for 2 weeks. Isn't that sad?

After two weeks, I'm certain he's gotten the picture that No, I don't want to go out to lunch. Yeah. Right. Monday morning arrives and again I'm at work really early all by myself. I've gotten in the habit of keeping my office door almost completely shut until some other people start arriving at the building. I hear footsteps in the hallway. I hear a tiny knock at my door. Panic rushes through me and my heart is practically outside my body. I look at that tiny little sliver in my door and see flowers. Beautiful flowers. How did my husband get in a secured building??

And then I see a head poke in the door and it's crazy serial killer man. NO! As soon as he walks in and tells me he's brought me flowers, I make a stop motion with my hand and tell him this is very inappropriate because I'm married. Yikes, that was fun. I can tell he's mortified as he stumbles through saying that he grows flowers at home and that he brings them in for coworkers sometimes and that he should have asked me first if I was married. Way to avoid the sexual harassment claim buddy. I'm mortified, call my husband and he offers to do some ass kicking. My coworker walks down the hallway to see that no coworkers in his department have flowers. Talk about awkward. So now I cringe every time he walks by my office (which has significantly increased since the flower day) because I'm pretty sure I have my very own stalker.

So moral of the story - be as full of yourself as you want to be - because he totally means it sexual when he says he's got an appetizer for you. Oh, and make sure you throw that chocolate away immediately. You don't want to get all roofied.