I always knew that once I got pregnant I'd realize how much I don't know about being pregnant. But man, I was way wrong. I know like negative amounts of information about being pregnant. I'm currently 22 weeks along and pretty much freaking out about something new every day.
To start things off, in my first trimester I was pretty sure that everything I ate, put on my skin, or touched was screwing up the baby. I didn't drink alcohol or coffee or smoke crack or anything, but I was convinced I was doing some sort of harm. To this day, I won't stand in front of a microwave when it's on - just in case. One thing they don't tell you about - nightmares. I thought maybe I was a freak because I wasn't having the lovey-dovey-singing-through-a-forest-with-animals-and-my-baby dream. Instead, I have a reoccurring nightmare of people visiting our home to see the baby for the first time. They think he's so cute that they want to take a close up picture with a very large camera. They proceed to drop said camera on his face. Not cool. The most vivid nightmare was being at a metro station with my husband waiting for a train to pull up. A man disguised as a security guard turned to us and opened fire. I get shot in the left rib cage and pretty much die. Did I mention I'm not actually on crack?
In the second trimester, I've managed to develop some weirdo itchy skin rash on my stomach. No joke, I've been scratching my stomach non-stop throughout the day. It looks like the baby is trying to claw out of my skin. Greg and I finally looked up this phenomenon and turns out lucky me, it's due to skin stretching really fast and is the most common rash a pregnant woman can get. Sexy. I've also developed a major intolerance for stupidity. I cannot tolerate people who make stupid comments or do stupid things like waste my time. Let's just say I have major work rage. If someone looks at me wrong at work I'm pretty sure I'll cut them. I've definitely though about introducing my fist to some faces. I can't get fired right? Because I'm pregnant.
My sister-in-law has always told me I have a "sharp tongue" and I've started to notice more and more that she's right. I've been very blunt in telling my husband about the changes that pregnancy has brought on and after reading Jenny McCarthy's very blunt book "Belly Laughs", I'm pretty sure she and I could be the best of friends (solely based on her verbal explanations of pregnancy). The other day we went to the ultrasound tech to find out the gender of our baby. The only thing I could say during the entire thing is "that's crazy", "that's so crazy", "look at that, isn't that crazy"? They just laughed at me. Probably because a normal person's reaction would include tears, an "oh, just look at that, how wonderful", etc.
Then we get to the doctor's office. I ask her my laundry list of random questions, and then basically ask her what questions we need to be asking that we aren't asking - because we are "pregnancy retarded". Yep, I told the doctor that my husband and I are "pregnancy retard". I think she knows I'm a little cuckoo to begin with, but she looked taken aback for a moment, then just started laughing at us. I seriously wonder if she thinks I'm going to be totally psycho during labor. Um, yes, I can guarantee that much. Then just today at work I was in an elevator with a director and three other employees...I managed to say that I don't always enjoy babysitting all that much. Way to go, mom to be. What a great thing for a pregnant woman to say in front of other people.
Soooo, labor. How come no one ever told me about this vacuum thing? I don't know what it is or what it looks like and I'm pretty sure I need to keep it that way. And what's all this about afterbirth? And um, hello, why doesn't ANYONE tell you how difficult breastfeeding apparently is. As in hurts, is frustrating, and sounds downright impossible. I always just thought you put your boob in their mouth and away they go. Nope, apparently not. It just makes me wonder what else I don't know about. I know about the poo on the table and the swelling, but that's about it. I'm terrified to go to a birthing class. Is it totally uncalled for if I start crying during the video?
All you mommies out there, lay it on me. Tell me what I really need to know.
They had to take it one step further for full transformation...
Now that just looks like it hurts. How exactly would you react to seeing your child play with a toy that looks like he's crapping out a rocket of some sort??
I just don't see how this stuff ever actually made it past the marketing department. Do you think these are the results of disgruntled employees trying to get their company in trouble? No adult in their right mind could think this stuff is innocent. Either way, it made me laugh.
