I'm Firing My Doctor

It's Friday night and I'm laying in the guest bedroom, quarantined from my husband. Let me tell you, there is nothing on TV on Friday nights and with a temperamental laptop that only recognizes the wireless network about 60% of the time, I'm going pretty crazy. Lucky me, I have the flu. I felt a sinus infection starting on Wednesday afternoon so I peaced out from work early. Thursday I stayed in bed all day and prayed that the "winter weather storm of 08" would have work cancelled on Friday. Um yeah, I'm pretty sure the weather forecasters in DC have their thumbs up their butts 99% of the time. (I'm all about percentages tonight...must be the meds).

So this morning I debated going to the doctor. Usually I wait until I feel like I'm dying before I go to the doctor. Why? Let me break it down. 2006 - I get a sinus infection that leads to a build up in my chest. Lovely. I go to the doctor and complain, telling him I also have a fever. His response? Take some Tylenol Arthritis and don't shower. SERIOUSLY. I kid you not. 2007 - same exact symptoms but I really can't breathe. His response? Take Tylenol Arthritis and don't shower. At this point I'm pretty pissed because I'm sure I'm going to get bronchitis. I don't but I totally load up on Afrin and cough drops to the point that I'm pretty sure I have a coke nose and kidney failure (not really). My husband gets sick a few months later with similar symptoms and guess what the doctor says to do? Take Tylenol Arthritis and don't shower. I mean really, dude, did you even go to med school?

And so we arrive at 2008 - I really debated going to the doctor today because I knew what he was going to tell me. Luckily, I was scheduled with a different doctor at the same practice. Wonderful, I'm thinking, a new doctor who will give me some real medicine and I'll feel better by the end of the weekend. I see the new doctor and tell him my symptoms: sinus headache, sore throat, ear ache, night sweats, fever, and a sore neck and upper back. He checks my throat and then says "you have the flu". Um ok, what about trying that really annoying flu test? You know the one...where they jam that mile long q-tip all the way up your nose. Talk about gag reflex. As a child I once slapped a doctor for q-tipping my throat when testing for strep throat. It was awesome. So apparently I have the flu without being tested for it and again I'm OD'ing on Afrin and Sudafed. I'm convinced this medical practice just cranks out the appointments to get their money as fast as they can. Well you know what I have to say about that? You can shove that Tylenol Arthritis up your butt because I'm going to go take a shower.

Why haven't my husband and I found a new doctor? Well for one, there are usually waiting lists to see doctors in our area and I'm pretty sure that my illness will have cleared up in the four weeks it takes to get an appointment. And two, we're both hoping to move within the next few months and I'm pretty sure they have good doctors at Vanderbilt. So just in case anyone out there ever gets sick, no matter what you have, all you need to do is take some Tylenol Arthritis and don't shower. Good luck feeling better with that advice!